why remote controls need angles

(warning: this anecdote involves a big pimple. if you are not very fond of acne stories, there is a little box with an x on the upper right corner of this window [an empty box on the upper left, if you're using a mac]. click it to be spared of ... me.)

(some people say that i write about acne too much. all i can say is: i write what i know.)

one of my best pimple-trauma stories involves my younger sister, a remote control and an out-of-control pimple.

it was another couch-potato night for me and mia. i was lying supine on the couch, she was sitting in another one nearby. i was, at that time, nursing one of those giant pimples they try (but fail) to recreate in movies with an inadequate budget for prosthetics. the monster was on the tip of my chin. it was swollen to maximum capacity and couldn't have been more painful. or so i thought.

mia, who decided she was too sleepy to watch the last few minutes of whatever it was we were watching, stood up and "gave" me the remote.

here are a few facts you need to digest to understand the gravity (pun intended) of the situation:

1. she didn't really give it to me. she placed the remote on my chest.

2. the remote, in an attempt to look as high-tech as possible, was more tubular than angular. ergo, it can roll down an incline.

3. i am not flat-chested.

4. the remote was not made out of down. it was made of tough plastic that survives falling from a height of 5 feet or violent throwing by a 2-year-old.

5. a rolling tube gathers no moss and picks up speed on the downslope.

6. your chin is conveniently located right-smack in the middle of your body and, if you're looking downwards (like, say, when you're watching tv on couch-potato night), it obliterates the neck and is almost adjacent to your sternum.

7. it is more painful to be hit by a speeding tubular object than one in slow-mo.

with all that (and more) in mind, you can probably guess what happened to the fast, rolling tube of tough plastic and the speed bump (with a bump) that broke its fall.

i have never seen my sister so remorseful. to this day, i use that event to my advantage. i just remind her of the deluge of tears and other unmentionable body fluids and she becomes my instant personal assistant-slave.