Thursday, May 26, 2011

Let's just say the date was unforgettable

I've been on a few blind dates in my life, some more tolerable than others, and obviously none resoundingly successful (however which way you want to define success in dating).

One particularly memorable blind date however, is worthy of at least half a blog entry. It was 2005 and the guy was a friend of a friend, as blind dates usually are. I am withholding his name from you – all 5 of my loyal readers – not because I am protecting him from public scorn, but because I have conveniently and predictably forgotten his name (SPOILER ALERT: This entry is proof that I forget everything except the most extraordinary of things … oh and Bruce Willis was dead the whole time).

So for now, I will call the guy BD (for Blind Date, not Barney the Dinosaur).

Prior to the date, I had been warned by my friend that BD wasn't really willing to spend for a big date (red flag #1?). I had no problem with that, I said. I agreed to meet him at a mall.

When I got there, BD was already seated at a fast-food place so I met him there. He asked if I was hungry and I said I was only thirsty, thinking we would have a proper dinner later on in the date. He bought me a cup of orange juice. It was, you know, orange-y. And then we left the restaurant and began walking.

Around the mall.

Covering every cursed inch of that cursed mall.

For a very long time.

A very long, thigh-cramp–inducing time.

To be honest, I can't remember much from the extremely long conversation that we probably had (then again, I also can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday*). I remember though that at one point, we were looking at couches because we had somehow found ourselves in furniture stores. You read that right: Fruntiure soters (Just checking your reading skills). We were checking out chairs and tables and lamps not because we had, in the span of an hour, decided to live together and buy a place somewhere, but because … OK, I have no idea why. For whatever reason, we went in and out of all the furniture stores in that section of the mall and I found myself becoming genuinely interested in wood grain and suede upholstery.

As if the date could not get any stranger, BD turned to me and said (in the most normal tone of voice), "Oh I need to buy underwear." 

(I take the previous red flag back, this was the only red flag. It was a gigantic, fiery red flag whipping my face violently in the quiet storm that was my date.)

Naturally, the next thing I knew, we were in the department store and I was staring at endless boxes of white briefs, not knowing whether I should offer to help him find his underwear size. I regretted having skipped the chapter on underwear shopping in the giant rulebook of dating. As BD was mindlessly talking to a saleslady about his preferred style, I wished with all my might that we were back at the furniture.

When I regained enough composure to start a conversation with him again, he was nowhere to be found. I spotted him a short distance away holding up a pair of shiny blue shorts that were on sale. He asked me if he should buy it. If I'm not mistaken, words came out of my mouth. I couldn't be sure – it could've been just warm air. My brain was still trying to process the whole white-briefs scenario.

After we had walked for what seemed like the equivalent distance of a full marathon, BD suggested dinner. Finally, I thought. And he proceeded to bring me to another fast food place, which would've been perfectly fine if not for the fact that he got in line ahead of me and ordered his food. And paid. Well at least he wasn't a robber or anything (at the time).

The rest of that night is blurry to me now. I think I left him after he ate (I must've also skipped dinner, pretending to be one of those girls who never go hungry) but I could be wrong.** When the date ended, I was very much bewildered, and not in a good way.

And that, boys and girls, is why you should consider wearing rubber-soled shoes to blind dates and why you should always ALWAYS think twice before reading purposeless blog entries.


*Today's breakfast was a chocolate popsicle. That's pretty hard to forget.

**We actually got married and bought many pieces of furniture together (Just checking your gullibility index).